AUTHORS NOTE:

                    I do indulge in the the McDonald's® fast food franchise when I am:

                            A) Broke.

                            B) Sad.

                            C) Nostalgic.

    Imagine waking up on a Saturday afternoon, sprawled out, dried out next to a new acquaintance, both half-dreaming of eggs and cheese. Rising slowly from the comfortable comforter, you drag each other towards the front door. Stumbling onto the street, the sun blinds your eyes as you mope towards that popular farm-to-table brunch spot.

  • The line is always insufferable at that popular farm-to-table brunch spot on Saturday afternoons, and as you arrive, the hostess explains that it might be an hour wait. Feeling withdrawn at this news, staring at the hostess with blank eyes, you slowly proceed into the waiting area. After a few hours waiting, small talk becomes intolerable, and inquiry into hobby, work, and family dissolves into contemplation of the floorboards. Then, of course, your partner pulls out a cell phone.

    And as you reach for your cell own phone, you experience a hazy out of body experience. You see yourself from above, staring at the floorboards below, criticizing your choices, wondering whether you are even living up to your full potentiality. Hypnotized by the woodgrain in the floorboards, you are questioning how anything can be so confident.

    Concentration is broken, and everyone’s neck snaps as the hostess yells out some name; Michael, or Michelle. Of course, it’s not your name.

    Luckily, you can now avoid this whole messy farm-to-table situation, and head over to McDonald's®, because they now serve breakfast all day! Such iconic items such as the Egg McMuffin® and melt-in-your-mouth Hotcakes can be enjoyed anytime! You can even customize your meal with healthy alternatives, such as apples, yogurt-tubes, and milk-jugs!

    You both knew that McDonald's® now served breakfast all day because it has been advertised everywhere; on billboards, on busses, and on discarded McDonald's® trash flowing through the streets of your neighborhood. Co-workers probably discuss this next to the water cooler, “Did you know McDonald's® now served breakfast all day?” When you think about it, this advertising campaign has extended to those who don’t even own a television, radio, or a perhaps even a home.

    The billboards, busses, and trash flowing through the streets form a strong triad of the unavoidable advertisement epoch.

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    Recently, I started hanging out with Emanuela. We met two years ago, but it was at my previous job as a bar-back. While she was drinking at the bar with friends, I was restocking the beer cooler. We kept catching glances, and I think we both felt something that could possibly be explained through astral color analyzation, but who knows. Reconnecting with her two years later, the feeling of cosmic matching remained. She asked me on a date to see Monster Jam™ at the sport stadium in South Philly.

            Obviously I was interested because:

                    A) I was probably in love.

                    B) I had never seen Gravedigger in person.

                  C) I usually did chores on Sundays, but my roommates had been slacking on their chores, so, whatever, I'll do them later.

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    Monster Jam™ is a live motor-sport event which highlights monster trucks jumping off ramps, spinning in circles, and occasionally flipping upside down. It appeared Gravedigger was the most popular monster truck since I saw t-shirts, posters, and miniature toys being sold by all the vendors. The two biggest crowd pleasing moments were intervals of sustained engine revving, and the undiluted destruction of vehicles.

  • As if fans of Monster Jam™ were unfamiliar with the McDonald's® franchise, the event was fully decked out with flashing logos, commercials, and even scripted McDonald's® related monologues from the Monster Jam™ athletes. But the most amusing plug came during the intermission; a poorly executed CGI video of an apple, a yogurt tube, and a milk jug racing around the Monster Jam™ arena. (1) The animated race was very close, but at the last turn, the milk jug pulled ahead and won. Emanuela and I were both enthusiastically cheering and shouting, “MILK JUG!” with the rest of crowd. I honestly think I've never been so enraptured by an advertisement. Actually, I’m fairly certain that if this CGI animation were framed in the confines of the white cube, there would be some lengthy didactic text accompanying it.

    This McDonald's® advertisement possessed an unearthly presence that was akin to most current contemporary visual artworks. It was abject, it was social commentary, it was a strange narrative, possessing both dissonance and accord that simultaneously could both repel and seduce a viewer. This particular McDonald's® advertisement managed to crudely personify their food products in the wierdest way. It was hilarious.

    “Hey Emanuela. Is this inducing deep rooted cannibalistic desires in you? Cool, me too.”

    The technical execution was extremely poor, which somehow made it even more attractive. It was as if it was created unintentionally by a student learning basic animation, or, with willful ignorance by some trending artist with an MFA degree from a prestigious university. It was beautiful and unsettling, much like the CGI work of Wendy Vanity (2).

    While hypnotising in its absurdity, it was not a Disney® Pixar production, and I embraced every shortcoming of this unexpected McDonald's® advertisement.

    I still question why this CGI work affected me as much as my favorite Matisse painting. I think that Generation Y, with access to images of beauty and perfection within seconds, prefer disillusion. We search for self-confidence through someone else's failure and defeat. We prefer the non-sensical and the banal over the sensible and the timeless. Rather than celebration of successes, we thrive on our celebrity's downfall. All of my peers produce interesting things. We throw our trash onto our streets.

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    When the event was over, Emanuela and I kissed, and I hopped on my bike. At some intersection in South Philly, I stopped at a red light, right next to a McDonald's®. I thought it would be cute to go purchase a milk jug from McDonald's® and send her a picture of myself drinking it. Unfortunately, the light turned green and a car behind me leaned on their horn aggressively.

    (1) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXr_q_jSeVc

    (2) http://hyperallergic.com/56334/3d-video-artist-wendy-vainity-is-the-henry-darger-of-the-internet