(More) Recipes for Productive Relationships
4. Stirfry Party Pie (Pizza)
By Kathryn Sclavi and Lee Tusman
Ingredients
1 warehouse party
2 bicycles
unlimited forts
2 hoodies
4 mismatched socks
18 crazy quilts
70 cassette tapes
4 cups of costumes
2 gallons of burning man
1 tea cart
3 tents
2 moleskins
a heaping teaspoon of hitchhiking powder
a dash of wanderlust
Directions
Preheat oven to 30 degrees above burning man.
Toppings
In a large pan sauté cassette tapes in olive oil for approximately 15 minutes (takes a while to get tender.) Roughly chop hoodies, mismatched socks, crazy quilts, and costumes and place in a separate bowl. Toss with burning man and then place in sauté pan until fabric wilts over heat (takes a few seconds.) Add a dash of wanderlust then turn off heat and cover.
Dough
Whisk together remaining dry ingredients: bicycles, unlimited forts, 3 tents, moleskins, and a heaping teaspoon of hitchhiking powder. After dry ingredients are whisked and whisked some more slowly add tea components of tea cart. Dough will be gooey at first and smell of chamomile and green tea but after a thorough kneading should become a firm texture for your party pie. Work dough out into flat circle and let sit for several minutes.
Completion
After dough is ready place your free-for-all stir fry toppings on the dough and toss in the oven for 30 minutes (this is mostly where magic is created… everywhere). Before serving, coat dish with a generous sprinkling of glitter and neon. This dish is best served at a warehouse
party.
5. Simple Gimmie Back My Robe Mornin’ Biscuits
By Melissa O’neill and Matthew Gordils
Ingredients
Moderate amount of beard
Over-moderate amount of martini
No shame
One part Type A, one part Type B
100 hugs (not the ass-out kind)
1 ikea
1 Pepe Rosso
10 named houseplants
2 large Grace Kelly crushes
4 plus years of BFF status
5 ass slaps
Directions
In a medium bowl, whisk together beard with 100 hugs. This will take a while because 100 hugs is a lot. Don’t be scared when 4 plus years of BFF status arises, followed by 5 ass slaps. In a smaller bowl stir together wet ingredients, have your partner add Type A and Type B simultaneously (it is very important that this happens at the same time for equilibrium and to ensure further ass slap consistency.) Slowly add the wet ingredients into the dry and knead together with hands. This part is the most crucial. Drink an over-moderate amount of martinis.
After properly inebriated watch whatever fills your fancy on Netflix followed by a few episodes of Monk. During this time the dry humor of Monk will mix with the dryness of the Martini and you’ll surely pass out with no shame (potentially even with your glasses still on.) This allows for you to forget completely about the dough. The dough will rise and congeal all night long, ideally in an Ikea furnished environment. Whenever you wake up and find a robe and head to the bathroom with partner. Brush your teeth in synchronized fashion and place in the holder facing outwards, partner may rotate it to face their toothbrush.
Go to the kitchen and stare at the dough for 10 minutes.
Take dough out of medium sized bowl and slap it onto the counter. Take dough and rip off hunks as you please. Here is where you can choose your favorite house plant seasoning to be worked into the biscuits individually. Place in oven for 45 minutes at 450 degrees. Serve with tip jar (they are that good.) Best case scenario your biscuits look like the smoother parts of Grace Kelly’s cheek.
6. Glazed Ceramic Preserves (to carry with you)
By Suzanne Seesman and Benjamin Stout
Ingredients
2 sprigs of wood
1 item of porcelain
2 scraps of fabric
2 cups utopianism
2 cups 90’s cynicism
2 lbs asphalt
Bustelo
Spicy pasta dinners
Coconut cream pie
Seasoning
4 green eyes
1 large red beard
1 grey stripe
2 tablespoons bustelo
Glaze
Showering at night
Discuss family options (sweet potato, adorno, rose)
Shared values
East coast intensity
Midwestern values
Egalitarianism
*This recipe is only meant for advanced couples to attempt. Frequent contradictions can create a souring effect but if you’re indeed careful and follow the directions your contradictions will pickle in unison and the opposing flavors will complement as opposed to spoil.
Begin with coarsely chopping the items you will be pickling. This includes wood, porcelain, fabric and asphalt. Each piece should be of manageable sizes, no larger than 4 inches as all items need to fit into a large mason jar. After each of the above is sautéd in a pan for 2 hours with previously purchased spicy pasta dinner and coconut cream pie. Don’t be alarmed! The spices will be cut by the sweet tropical pie and will become an oozy mess of delicious. Occasionally stir the pot and prod at the porcelain and wood to make sure items are breaking down well. Again, this takes approximately two hours. After the two hours you want to add the preserving agents. Typically this is lemon juice but bolder flavors actually derive from freshly squeezed utopianism cut with 90’s cynicism. Make sure the same amount as the too much utopianism causes a sugary annoying sweetness and too much 90’s cynicism causes a bitter aftertaste. You won’t want to eat this if you mess this part up. Let the two new added agents simmer in the pot for 2 more hours until everything is effectively broken down into a complicated and dynamic pile of goo. Let cool for 2 more hours.
In a separate bowl whisk four green eyes, beard, bustelo and a grey stripe. Add this dry mixture into the dynamic goo and toss with wooden spoons. Move everything to a large bowl and allow to sit 5 hours. While the large bowl waits, get a third and final bowl for the glaze. The glaze should have a thick consistency that can cover most anything (but most importantly the pile you have already made.) You want to start by whisking the midwestern values and east coast intensity vigorously. These two things appear to be oil and water but if you whisk hard and long enough they become unified. Slowly sprinkle in shared values (egalitarianism should be touched upon, you may also discuss obscure pet name options such as ‘Adorno, Rose, or Sweet Potato’.)
When everything is complete fill mason jar 2/3 full. Add glaze on top. The glaze doesn’t need to be mixed in as it will disseminate at it it’s own pace. Seal jars by placing the contents into boiling bowl of The Colbert Report. Don’t use a different show. The Colbert Report allows the complicated tastes listed above to become approachable.
*This recipe is great for preserving items for long periods of time. It is perfect for long bus rides and snacking during distant phone conversations. It goes exceptionally well with scotch or a delicious Stout.
7. Spring for Winter Curry Saal
By Rubens Ghenov and Lynne Marinelli Ghenov
Ingredients
1 tbsp of Ethiopique morning coffee x roasted maté morning libations
1/2 cup of vinyl spins during dinner
3/4 cup of analogies which take the shape of confused and long winded short stories
Two bodies sewn in bed en papillote with a sprig of rosemary and Caetano Veloso
1/2 cup of self made folkloric humor
2 cups of Lentils
A dash of Vinicius de Moraes laced with kitchen dance parties
1 tablespoon of curry powder
3 teaspoons of Criterion Collection
Arugula, quince paste, lemon, Malbec, fresh thyme, Clarice Lispector spice bouquet
Instructions
Sautée it in Satie. Simmer over a slow roasting fire atop 17 year old banana leaves, occasionally stirring in risotto fashion. Pair with a herbaceous 2005 Galliano and an earthy 2007 Mia